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The last three days have started brilliantly. I may have gone off track a little after that but the beginnings have been good.

Did you see what I did there? I attributed the good stuff to something abstract (the days), and the bad stuff to myself. Mmm. Vaguely interesting. I suspect if you’re an addict or suffering from depression you probably find yourself doing the same.

So. I have started the last three days brilliantly. The challenge now is to keep it up. I’m exercising. Woohoo! I know it’s good for my mood. I’ve done this before and not managed to stick at it but for the moment I feel exponentially better for my little morning workout. It’s nothing major: I jump on the exercise bike and cycle as long (not very long) and hard (not very hard) as I can. Then I do 10 press ups (this number will hopefully increase with time) and 30 crunchy things. After that it’s what I can remember of the Tai Chi warm up routine and running through the form as far as I’ve got (not very far) 10 times. Then I meditate for 15 minutes.

I’m off to the hospital tomorrow to find out what the scan of my lungs reveals. What my exercise reveals is that I get out of puff pretty damn quickly. I smoked too much over Christmas, I’m back at lower levels now, but I should quit. But smoking, like drinking, has an enormously powerful psychological role in my conception of myself as an adult – foolish I know, but these lessons learned (in adolescence in this case) take some time to unlearn.

It beats the hell out of lying in bed wishing I were dead and throwing up as a start to the day.

My experiment is actually around vitamin D. I did some writing for a company on the ‘winter blues’ and there’s some recent research that vitamin D may help alleviate depression. So, I’ve got 100 tablets of 1,000iu vitamin D3 (there’s a D2 as well, but what I’ve read suggests three is better), which cost me ¬£4.99 and I’m taking one a day to start with. I don’t get out enough at the best of times – being fair of skin and reddish of hair I’ve the sun has not always been my friend. And, while my diet is good I’ve read that it’s tough to eat enough liver, eggs and so on to get our daily jolt of vitamin D. Once you start looking into things the advice you find online can be so contradictory that it’s confusing as hell. Hence the 1,000ius a day (I’ve seen up to 5,000 recommended).

We shall see.

Onwards and upwards.

If you spent it, thank you for your time.

TCC x

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I seem to be doing better at life. I may well have a writing job that will prove regular and pay a decent amount.

Now, I have to start getting busy. All my life I’ve coasted and got by on a certain amount of natural ability and even charm. Now I need to start to take this thing seriously, not accept my usual excuses and make the most of this opportunity. I also need to leave a lot of things behind; the blame, the bitterness, the jealousy are all worth nothing if they hold me back. Wasting time looking at the freelancing profiles of my competitors and thinking, ‘I could do better’ or ‘how did you get all this confidence when you can’t even write a coherent sentence’ is doing me no good.

So, bye-bye bitterness, bye-bye blame, on with cleaning up this office and starting to make something of myself.

I mentioned that I had a lot of long-term goals that merely impede my progress by their impossibility. Well, it’s time to start taking the small steps.

To be a succesful writer – essentially a small business (jeez, all this seems so alien to my usual mindset) – I need to get organised. So I’m going to log off and start cleaning up.

If you spent it, thank you for your time.

TCC x

 

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While I’m struggling with my physical health a little, I’m convinced now that my recovery from addiction is going to involve three key things:

  1. Meditation
  2. Exercise
  3. Creativity

I’ve been reading (reading not doing you’ll note, here we go again) about meditation and I’m convinced that it’s going to be something I need to do to get better. I’m enjoying my particular guide, which is open and encouraging and emphasises that this is something that can be done alone and without a teacher.

Exercise is good. I’m trying to walk every day but with my bad lungs even that is a bit of a stretch at the moment.

To combine the two would be perfect, which is why I’m committed to going to Tai Chi classes, when I’m better.

And creativity. I count this blog as creativity. When I came to and stopped drinking I took a bit of a look at my life and it’s a mess. Career wise, I’m screwed to be honest. Too old and with too damaged a history to attract any decent work. So, I’m going to have to make my own way. Creativity will help me get better and creativity also seems the most likely way to make something of what is left of my life.

Thanks for listening.

TCC x

 

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I’m tired. Tired and a little bit scared.

My lungs are not good. I’m petrified of going into hospital again. I may have been a little bit negative about my one job – my day’s freelance writing for a magazine company in the FIA – but I am desperate to hold onto it.

When I fell ill in the spring I nearly lost that job. If I go into hospital again I almost certainly will. And, I can feel my lungs getting worse. The shortness of breath increases each day. I’m starting to get pain in the right hand side of my chest when I breath in. So I’m desperate that Monday’s appointment with the chest specialist should go well and result in a resolution of this. I’m convinced that just another round of antibiotics – the first I would have taken sober – would have sorted this out.

But worrying isn’t going to help. Not that that’s ever stopped me.

I do believe in the power of the mind to influence physical health and, with that in mind, I tell you now:

I REFUSE TO BE ILL.

There we go. That’s sorted then.

I am getting something positive done every day, even in this drowsy state. Yesterday I did some work related stuff. Updated one of my online profiles. Applied for a content writing job. Took some photographs for a blog project.

Today, I will register that blog. Start some online pages for my writing work. Take the rest of my photographs.

Then I suspect I’ll go to bed too early and wake too late.

Thanks for stopping by, leave a message.

TCC x

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Do we? I hope not, wouldn’t that be terrible.

I did find myself getting a little annoyed at a friend today though – for no particularly good reason it must be said.

I mentioned Desmond in my drug run down post.

I owe a fair amount to Desmond and he – or so I think – owes a fair amount to me.

Desmond and I did collaborate on what was to be a business. Just a website, which he set up and which I helped out on. He did everything really, I just wrote a little. It never happened. Desmond was – to my eyes – very obviously an alcoholic. Desmond was – predictably enough – in denial about it (“I almost never get drunk.”) Desmond hit the proverbial rock bottom. Desmond detoxed himself, moved house, got a lot of other health problems looked at too and is in a much better place.

I went to see Desmond today. I hadn’t wanted to go while I was still drinking and put it off again while I waited for the all clear on TB. Now, I thought this meeting would be to discuss work. Desmond is a real computer genius (I don’t use the term lightly in this case) and has now started to reap the rewards of his fantastic social media presence to get jobs. I thought I was to be offered some writing work on the back of this. I was not.

And, I’m angry about this. Unreasonably so. Like many very technically gifted people Desmond doesn’t have the greatest social skills in the world (which, if my experience is anything to go by is almost certainly one of the root causes of his drinking) and telling someone that you’re earning hundreds of pounds an hour for what work you get (he doesn’t get very much yet) when you owe them at least a couple of hundred quid, is not great.

The upshot? I stalk off feeling pissed off that I’ve just been asked to help out on the old site for no cash.

But, I didn’t ask. I didn’t raise the debt. I didn’t say: “let me know if you need a hand with any writing.” Desmond can write very well any way, he doesn’t need a hand.

There is a part of me that is very nasty, jealous and even potentially vindictive about the success of others. It’s not at all attractive. I think it’s because I’ve been quite close to success myself in some ways and because I know I could have (maybe will) done/do so much more with my own life. It’s not good or productive and I want it to stop.

Gah.

That’s why I blog sometimes. I just have all this crap going round in my head that never comes out and hopefully crapping it here will help.

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