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Posts Tagged ‘Desmond’

Do we? I hope not, wouldn’t that be terrible.

I did find myself getting a little annoyed at a friend today though – for no particularly good reason it must be said.

I mentioned Desmond in my drug run down post.

I owe a fair amount to Desmond and he – or so I think – owes a fair amount to me.

Desmond and I did collaborate on what was to be a business. Just a website, which he set up and which I helped out on. He did everything really, I just wrote a little. It never happened. Desmond was – to my eyes – very obviously an alcoholic. Desmond was – predictably enough – in denial about it (“I almost never get drunk.”) Desmond hit the proverbial rock bottom. Desmond detoxed himself, moved house, got a lot of other health problems looked at too and is in a much better place.

I went to see Desmond today. I hadn’t wanted to go while I was still drinking and put it off again while I waited for the all clear on TB. Now, I thought this meeting would be to discuss work. Desmond is a real computer genius (I don’t use the term lightly in this case) and has now started to reap the rewards of his fantastic social media presence to get jobs. I thought I was to be offered some writing work on the back of this. I was not.

And, I’m angry about this. Unreasonably so. Like many very technically gifted people Desmond doesn’t have the greatest social skills in the world (which, if my experience is anything to go by is almost certainly one of the root causes of his drinking) and telling someone that you’re earning hundreds of pounds an hour for what work you get (he doesn’t get very much yet) when you owe them at least a couple of hundred quid, is not great.

The upshot? I stalk off feeling pissed off that I’ve just been asked to help out on the old site for no cash.

But, I didn’t ask. I didn’t raise the debt. I didn’t say: “let me know if you need a hand with any writing.” Desmond can write very well any way, he doesn’t need a hand.

There is a part of me that is very nasty, jealous and even potentially vindictive about the success of others. It’s not at all attractive. I think it’s because I’ve been quite close to success myself in some ways and because I know I could have (maybe will) done/do so much more with my own life. It’s not good or productive and I want it to stop.

Gah.

That’s why I blog sometimes. I just have all this crap going round in my head that never comes out and hopefully crapping it here will help.

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I thought I’d do a quick run through of my daily – and now entirely legal – drug intake.

So, here we go.

I now take:

One 20mg Citalopram, which is supposed to stop me being so anxious.

Three, vitamin B compound strong tablets. These are standard issue in alcohol treatment and it’s supposed to help you recover. I may start to take more – my similarly recovering friend, Desmond, is taking six.

One 100mg Thiamine (B1) tablet. This is similar in aim and effect to the vitamin B.

One 50mg Nalorex tablet which is supposed to help with cravings.

Six 333mg Campral tablets which ought to do the same thing as Nalorex.

One 200mg Antabuse tablet. I actually take these under supervision at the Addiction Unit, two on Monday and Wednesday and three on Friday. I’m breathalysed before I take it. This is the big one I suppose. The deterrent drug that reacts very, very badly with alcohol and makes you very, very ill if you drink whilest on the drug.

Finally, each evening I take one 30mg Mirtazapine tablet.

I won’t list all the side effects here. They’re all in those Wikipedia articles should you be interested and they’ll scare me.

Do they work?

I don’t know. Well, I do know that Antabuse works. It’s stopping me drinking and I’m not sure how far I trust myself if I stop taking it. (This is partly because of the intensity of the cravings I’m experiencing this time round and the fact that I’m yet to experience the huge positive surge of energy and vitality I associate with going sober.)

Now, Desmond has stopped drinking and also stopped taking Antabuse, Campral and Nalorex. There’s a difference in our experience though. Desmond really did reach rock bottom with drinking, he was hugely underweight and very ill indeed. I stubbornly believe that I never have. I must admit that it’s partly wishful thinking – I’ve got three suicide attempts under my belt which were all drink-related.

So, as I say I’m not sure how effective they are. How much worse might my cravings be without the Nalorex and Campral? The vitamins must be doing some good surely. If there’s one pill I rely on though it’s Mirtazapine and I rely on it too much. Whether it improves my mood is moot at the moment (I’m aware that it has in the past), that it is literally narcotic is not at issue. The side effects (which I said I wouldn’t mention) leaflet warns “May cause drowsiness” this, in my case, is a huge understatement. Mirtazapine knocks me out with a delicious drowsiness that I find incredibly attractive – the drugs to which I’ve been most attracted and of which I’m consequently most afraid are hynotic drugs.

And, that, for the moment is that.

Thanks for dropping in, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you.

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