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Posts Tagged ‘excuses for drinking’

After a decently successful trip to Thin City Addiction Services yesterday I made it home safely. Mag was out, and when Mag is out I feel the tractor beam of The Spread most strongly.

I decided to cook instead and that worked but then Mag went out for the evening and so did I. It’s unusual for me to be out so late, I’ve generally been on the afternoon shift with the OGs or join the after work crowd. I had arranged to meet Exact there to watch the football, he cancelled but I didn’t.

I drank too much; more than I intended. Four pints, a double whisky and a shot of some holiday liqueur the landlord’s parents had brought back from holiday. Earlier, at my meeting, E had asked me if I’d got drunk when I’d binged at the weekend and I’d said I had. I’m not sure I did last night. There was very little pleasure involved, it was just habitual and there were none of my usual crowd there.

I’ve noticed how I – and other Spreadheads who probably have drink problems (I’m not in a position to judge) – make these plans that drag us back there. Offering to loan books and films, “Are you in tomorrow?”; finding sporting fixtures, “Are you going to watch the game?” and so on.

I got home – not late – to find Mag still out so I sneaked a sneaky spliff out the back door too.

I had a hangover this morning. In a way that’s good. Until recently, the only ill effects I’d have felt from drinking that amount would have been a continued craving from not getting enough alcohol down me. But, it has made me more likely to drink – and to drink more – today. I’m waiting for my phone to beep with a text inviting me down to The Spread – I’ve arranged to give a spare copy of a CD I’ve managed to end up with to GBDUSD.

It’s Friday, and I’d love to go for a beer when everyone else finishes work.

But, with the hangover vanishes all the positives I’ve found from cutting down – I start to brood, I become more acutely aware of what a mess my life is, how little I’ve achieved and how little time I have left.

There’s a crossroads feeling to this attempt at sobriety. I’m in my 40s and still, to all intents and purposes, dependent on my parents. I work, but not enough, and when I give any thought to my employment prospects it’s not encouraging.

If I can’t get myself straight this time I’m starting to think it really will be too late for me, that I might as well just give up and see what happens… essentially, the thought is, rather sadly that I might as well go and drink myself to death.

Thin City Citizen

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