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Posts Tagged ‘I love drinking’

So, over the weekend I drank.

It came as no surprise to me. Why should it, when I’d planned it as soon as I knew Mag would be away.

I smoked dope too – see above.

Nothing too heinous. Nothing to break my resolve completely. But as I look at my drink diary now I see my three days of zero units followed by three of around 10 units. Nothing on my best efforts of course. But last night I felt I had to drink to see off the withdrawals – one bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.

It’s a bastard it really is to be an alcoholic. I can’t – and never try to – speak for everyone who’s ever suffered or struggled with booze, so you’ll have to take this as it is, an honest personaly opinion:

I fucking love drinking.

I fucking love being drunk.

I fucking love pubs.

Today, I probably won’t have to drink, but I’d damn well love to. You see, those few days of cutting down and cutting out have left me wondering if I really do have so much of a problem (and, in fact I’ve never (as previously discussed) hit “rock bottom”) and surely I can handle things.

That thought takes no account of the wrecked relationships, lost jobs, serious ill health, wasted education and so on and so on and so on that I can rack up to my lovely friend alcohol.

I stopped writing too. I stopped visiting the Brighteye forums.

You see, I’m hugely afraid of being sober. Hugely afraid.

Tomorrow I’ve an appointment with the Thin City Addictions Team. They will assess my drinking and see about an antabuse prescription. I don’t feel ready. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Take it easy.

Thin City Citizen.

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