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Posts Tagged ‘I might die’

So I went to see the lung specialist yesterday and got mixed news.

On the plus side, I’m special. On the negative side I’m special in that I’ve got a rare lung disease called pulmonary alveolar proteinosis which could kill me within five years – this happens to a quarter of the people who have it.

I’ve decided it’s not going to.

It’s weird really. I’ve spoken before about being stuck emotionally in the state I was in when my addiction really started which was as a teenager. Teenagers famously think they’re immortal. I’ve thought a lot about my own death and even tried to precipitate it a few times with suicide attempts. But I’d just started to think about the future in a more adult way, to plan ahead. I have a test next Wednesday to confirm the diagnosis. I’ll have to stop taking the Naltrexone before then because I’ll be under some sort of sedation to have tubes stuck down my lungs. Boo!

Yesterday I was frightened and in shock. Today I feel a lot more positive.

I’ve started in on reading a self-help book by The Barefoot Doctor and it talks a lot about visualisation and thinking positively. I’ve already started turning the thought, “I refuse to be ill” into some sort of mantra and I’m going to seriously take this on now.

I’ve kept up pretty well with my exercise and meditation doing either one or the other or both every day.

I’m off to see Desmond in a while to talk about setting up a website to earn us some money. We shall see where that leads.

If you spent it, thank you for your time.

TCC x

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