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Posts Tagged ‘work’

I work on Tuesdays. Proper work. Paid work. I drive out of Thin City and into the Former Industrial Area (FIA) to an office and write. It’s not great stuff. It’s for some free local magazines. The people are nice and it’s good to get out of the house.

I remember reading a couple of accounts of heroin use which chimed very much with me. (I can’t for the life of me remember who wrote these accounts, but I’m pretty sure they were musicians). The gist of it both of these stories was that heroin use is a full-time job – you get up and spend all your day trying to get your hands on heroin (or, if you’re not a rock star the money to buy heroin) then you take it, the next day you do the same – and repeat.

I like routine. And alcohol helps me have a routine. It’s not a good or healthy routine (it’s got a hell of a lot better since Sunday) but it’s a routine.

I’ve gone over what the bad routine was and it’s very similar to the heroin routine – sleep, drink, smoke, sleep.

Yesterday as I drove towards the FIA, I followed – of course – my usual routine. Out of Electric Street, down White Street and onto Mud City Road and then call it at the nearest petrol station to buy fuel if necessary and cigarettes. As I pulled into the forecourt yesterday I had a shock. The pumps were all behind wire and the place was being dug up.

The shock to the system was quite severe. I cling to routines and habits desperately and any change causes real unease. I drive the wrong way to the FIA; Exact has been telling me for months that there’s a much quicker, easier way to get there, but I can’t quite manage the change in routine that would cause – where would I stop to buy cigarettes? What if I get lost? What if the traffic’s bad going that way? What if aliens land in Dodge (aigthoo) and set up some sort of checkpoint. What if… What if…

Mag rang me at work yesterday. The Shinei are moving. They will be gone in two to three weeks. The landlady is selling the house. This should – this is – unalloyed good news.

But.

What if lunatics move in next door? What if the Ku Klux Klan set up a training camp next door? What if squatters get in in the meantime and start to stage Thin City’s biggest free raves? What if it’s bought by a charity for rehousing owners of dangerously loud birds of prey?

Change ahoy. Danger ahoy.

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In my search for rock bottom, I should have mentioned my week in hospital with pneumonia. This was almost certainly – let’s forget the almost actually – alcohol-related.

It damn near cost me my job. I work one-day-a-week and I’m freelance, so I have the same rights as a battery chicken. I can’t afford to lose that job. It’s not a matter of money – my parents (check the shame tag) send me enough to live on – so much as self-esteem.

I’ve been for one follow-up hospital appointment regarding the pneumonia and the chest x-ray showed that most of the infection was gone. But, I’m worried it’s coming back. I’m starting to get shorter of breath (I smoke and barely take any exercise), to feel the strange light-headedness that pressaged its first arrival and my coughing is bringing up horrible green stuff.

In an effort to stave it off I’m doing what the hospital doctor told me to do… I’m eating better, I’ve also found some left over antibiotics I was prescribed before I was rushed into hospital and all my drugs delivered through a drip. I don’t know if that’ll do any good. You’re not supposed to drink on antibiotics are you and I’m not yet able to stop completely. But I felt I had to do something.

I’ve also started to take my vitamins. As a then recovering alcoholic, fresh and daisy-dancing out of the Thin City inpatient detox unit, I was given tonnes of vitamin B and thiamine (the reasons for taking them are long and complex, but they’re supposed to help protect the brain from alcoholic damage) but soon stopped taking them. I’ve started again now. I’ve loaded up my little pill tray – believe you me, after detox you need one, such is the amount of medication to be taken daily – with vitamins, antibiotics and antidepressants.

They can’t do any harm anyway.

Let’s see where this goes. I need to call the doctor today for an appointment to get my antidepressants re-prescribed and to check about my next follow-up chest x-ray. Rather typically, I’m writing about doing it rather than doing it.

Later all. Commenting is absolutely encouraged by the way – check out my post on narcissism to see why.

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